Psycho Killer by DJG

Signs that your son may grow up to be a serial killer:

He often misspells words

He can’t tie his shoes unless he pretends the laces are
bunny ears

He has the “Serial Killer Gene” according to the genetic
test he performed on himself

He can get bloodstains out with Mr. Bubbles

His fingerprints match the suspect’s

His inadequacies and failures are constantly ridiculed by
his parents

He wets the bed, typically by using orange juice

He’s abusive to the same animals you are abusive to

He’s already killed once, and has hinted that he’ll kill
again

What's Worse?

Someone who loves George W. Bush, or someone who hates Barack Obama?

Someone who doesn't like the Beatles, or someone who's favorite Beatle is Ringo?

Someone who masturbates in their own feces, or someone who masturbates in someone else's blood?

Nicknames for My Fists

Lefty McSproket
Arthur Cambridge

Mr. Belvedere
Bobby's Girl

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Geordi La Forge (while wearing brass knuckles)
Angela Landsbury as Jessica Fletcher

What you don't want to hear or say during lovemaking

I want to take you back in time

Let’s go into the forest

You make me think of fruit

Did you just slobber on me?

I wish were in the room

I'm gonna give you the giggles

The last time I did this I was in jail

I can suck that slobber back up, if you want

That feels like sandpaper

Let's be folksingers

You’re so soft and mushy

You kiss like a jackal. A red jackal.

We lurk in the shadows

Why do you look so familiar?

I am a famous contortionist
I am your local weatherman
I look just like that notorious serial killer
For the last 25 year I have hosted "Wheel of Fortune."
Most of us Lithuanians look similar.
I'm the under-appreciated cook at Applebee's, asshole
You probably saw me leading the Memorial Day parade in 1997. Where do you want my autograph?
I am Tom Hanks' nephew, the one he wrote the movie Big about
I haunt you in your nightmares
I'm that douchebag from the Oreck vacuum commercials
I'm in a few adult films. I'm also your pediatrician.
I am your wife

Acceptable Reasons to End a Friendship

Your friend leaves the glove compartment open
Your friend returns calls from other peoples phones so you can never reach them, and then when you call that person's phone, they yell at you because you're not their friend, you're friends with your friend who's their friend who called from their phone, and why won't they just call you from their own phone dammit??
Your friend didn't take off their shoes before jumping on your stomach
The umbrellas covered in blood
You always bring the tennis racquets but your friend never brings the tennis balls
You always bring the tennis racquets but your friend is on trial for manslaughter
Arguing over the name of a lame blog

You gotta smile so bright
You know you could've been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
You know you could've been a handle
The way you part your hair
You know you could've been a barber
The way you grow your corn
You know you could've been a farmer
The way you don't eat pork
You know you could've been a rabbi
The way you work on Saturdays
Well maybe not a good one
The way you use big words
You know you could've been a spell check
The way your words are misspelled
You know you should probably use a dictionary
The way you stumble around
You know you could've been a dancer
The way you hit the ground
You know you could've been unconscious
The way you clean my teeth
You know you could've been a dentist
The way you can't read x-rays
Well maybe a hygienist
Well you could've been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell
The way you do all of those things