Why do you look so familiar?

I am a famous contortionist
I am your local weatherman
I look just like that notorious serial killer
For the last 25 year I have hosted "Wheel of Fortune."
Most of us Lithuanians look similar.
I'm the under-appreciated cook at Applebee's, asshole
You probably saw me leading the Memorial Day parade in 1997. Where do you want my autograph?
I am Tom Hanks' nephew, the one he wrote the movie Big about
I haunt you in your nightmares
I'm that douchebag from the Oreck vacuum commercials
I'm in a few adult films. I'm also your pediatrician.
I am your wife

Acceptable Reasons to End a Friendship

Your friend leaves the glove compartment open
Your friend returns calls from other peoples phones so you can never reach them, and then when you call that person's phone, they yell at you because you're not their friend, you're friends with your friend who's their friend who called from their phone, and why won't they just call you from their own phone dammit??
Your friend didn't take off their shoes before jumping on your stomach
The umbrellas covered in blood
You always bring the tennis racquets but your friend never brings the tennis balls
You always bring the tennis racquets but your friend is on trial for manslaughter
Arguing over the name of a lame blog

You gotta smile so bright
You know you could've been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
You know you could've been a handle
The way you part your hair
You know you could've been a barber
The way you grow your corn
You know you could've been a farmer
The way you don't eat pork
You know you could've been a rabbi
The way you work on Saturdays
Well maybe not a good one
The way you use big words
You know you could've been a spell check
The way your words are misspelled
You know you should probably use a dictionary
The way you stumble around
You know you could've been a dancer
The way you hit the ground
You know you could've been unconscious
The way you clean my teeth
You know you could've been a dentist
The way you can't read x-rays
Well maybe a hygienist
Well you could've been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell
The way you do all of those things

Good Idea/Bad Idea (epigraph: Thank you Animaniacs)

Good Idea: Cutting your nails while sitting on the toilet.






Bad Idea: Cutting your nails while standing in the toilet.

Rejected names for this blog

The Brutal Truth
Run With It
David and Saul: So Wrong its Right
Funny Corner the Market
The David Zone
Fantastic Paul and All
David: A Work of Art in Progress
Peanut Butter Jelly Time
WWF vs WWE
David's Full of Himself
Unemployable Paul
The Hurtful Friend with a Substance Abuse Problem
Paul the Soon-to-be Missing Person
The Cry For Help
If I Did It

Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your Birthday

Are you finally going to clean the gutters today?
Grandma called: she sounded confused.
Its not really your birthday.
You've been chosen to lead the parade.